12:16 AM 6/21/2021 - I wish.
Is coping really this difficult? I don't see why I need to redo each section of it as many times as I have. It's always the same! It's always the same! It's always the same! If I have to think "why does it feel like all my friends hate me" again, I'm going to scream, I know so many people, but none of them seem to stick... I have a single group of people left that have stuck. I don't want to lose them, they're most likely just busy. They have their own chat without me though. I'm overthinking this. I just want to talk to them as often as I used to but they're mostly busy nowadays. I wish I could find someone that could mesh well with my personality again. I just don't want them to be a fucking pedophile again. I really hated that, I was so fucking guilty that he was a pedophile, but I was so attached to him that I thought he was different... I thought he liked me for who I was and not what age I was. I was naive and I was convinced I wasn't... He talked like he liked me for who I was. I'm tired of people getting close to me for my physical qualities. I'm tired of being an object of sex. I want someone to understand me! I want to understand someone! I want mutual attraction!! I need something to change in my life more though. I can't keep going like this I think. It's going to get bad again. It's going to go downhill and I'm going to get back into that hole I think. I need someone to give me a push forward I think. It's so hard to keep trying to feel better. I hate being at a standstill in life. Nobody is buying my art. Nobody I'd like to talk to is interacting with me, and every time I seem to see them they're busy... I don't want to be a bother, I just want something to hold onto!!!!
1:35 AM 6/13/2021 - Sleeping through the grief.
What's the best way to describe a violent mix of tears, sweat, and blood. Whatever the case, that is how I feel mentally right now... That is how I feel despite gloating about how fun yesterday was? Maybe I just enjoy sabotaging myself... Maybe I'm so fucking masochistic that when I start to think about how nice things are my subconsious enigma of a personality says I need to think about the sad things. I went to visit my exe's movie night out of pure curiousity. I didn't think it would make me so upset! I miss how he made me feel so dearly. I wish I could feel it again, why would he tell me he loved me if he could just rip apart the best emotion I had felt in a very long time. What kind of sick bastard does that? When will my day of reckoning come. When will I feel at peace with my past and my mistakes, when will I accept the fact that I won't feel that whole for as long as I don't work on myself. I'm tired of trying to protect myself, I want someone else to do it for me, it sounds selfish but maybe I need to feel comfortable for once, maybe I deserve it. When I feel paranoid about something it usually doesn't happen, so maybe my judgement is scewed opposite, would that mean all of the doubts I have are true and all of the things I believe as truth as false? I hate this. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate the fact my current crush doesn't want to be more than a friend to me. We were very personal I thought, but the things that are personal to me aren't personal to him and most people. The things I feel are important to me, the secrets I share and the tales I tell I have only told my love interests I think. I let them see me at my most vunerable, and if they like it then that's nice, but if they don't then what the fuck. It takes a while for someone to see me in my full pathetic form I think... I want someone I can bond with, someone to keep me company, it's okay if they don't understand everything that goes through my mind as long as they listen I'll be happy. Typing this made the fact that my parents didn't pay much attention to me painfully apparent. I feel like a basic girl on the internet when I think about my trauma down in a simplified term. Parental issues, groomed, raped, lonely, hopeless romantic, etc, whatever. I really am nothing special, I don't want to care about it, I want someone that see's what makes me different and to cherish it. I want to be treasured by someone. I feel like I've been taken for granted too much in my life. It shouldn't matter but I just want to feel the warmth from someone's love. I love so much but it's not even going to anything but my pets and cute anime women. What's the point of it all? Why do I keep feeling this way even though there's no one wanting to be on the receiving end. I should specify. Why do I feel this way even though there's no one I'd like to be on the receiving end. I can count 3 people that have either confessed their love to me or have hinted at it, but my fucking trust issues haven't let me let them in, I like their company but I don't feel that much... I guess tenderly? It makes me feel like a bitch... God I want to be held. I want to be pet, I want to pretend that i'm not going insane. I want to dissociate the pain from myself somehow but it always come back. It's a never ending cycle. I wish I were fucking normal.
10:39 PM 5/31/2021 - Summer...
I had gotten over my ex-boyfriend. I had understood he was a bad man, however! I will never get over the love and care he showed me. I think I will forever feel incomplete because of this. I've learned a lot of acceptance thanks to him. I won't accept most of the bad qualities about myself, only for others. I won't accept someone into my heart for a while. I have someone I want to accept, but if he doesn't feel the same then there's no point in dwelling on it. Everyone is going to get bored of me, so I can't grow close to them, however he told me himself he would get bored of me at some point, and I want to grow close to him in spite of this. Spite really is a funny thing. I swear up and down he is tired of me already, I'm never going to believe someone when they say something to me again I think, it's unbearable. I want to believe in someone, I want to believe in myself again. I'm tired of being an empty husk of what once. I have no motivation or will anymore. Every summer is the same, every day is the same. I wish something good would happen, I don't deserve it but I want it very dearly. I wish I could grow attached to someone, I want to feel warm again, I want to feel something other than nothing, I want to be proud of who I am, I want to be proud of where I am as a human, but every time I try to walk up these stairs I walk on a rotting, broken step it seems like. Every time I nuture myself and water myself, someone comes to snip the bud, sometimes I'M the one snipping the bud. It's unbearable... Aside from my mental turmoil, this summer has treated me well, I've had some fun, I've read a bit more books, done a few art commissions... The usual. I feel a bit calmer since I'm not dwelling on the fact I failed most of my classes this year, I made enough money with my art to buy a desk chair so I can sit here instead of my bed. It's a bit less comfortable, but since it's not that comfy I feel like I spent less time doing pointless things. I still do pointless things, I have a pointless existence. I want to feel selfish and only care about myself, but I feel like the reason I have to live is to help other people feel better, I want to give my soul to someone if it means I have a purpose... I don't know, that's weird, I need to be medicated for all these weird thoughts, I need to have the courage to talk to someone about these thoughts, I don't want people to react because usually they're pitying me, or feeling bad for me. I don't want reactions, I just want help. I want a blunt and honest truth about what steps I should be taking, but nobody is able to provide that (because I have to be the one to figure it out). I ripped out 3/4s of my eyelashes and I think this is the reason one. They're already growing back, but it was still scary, I think I gave myself a headache ripping them all out.I need a haircut. I need someone to hold. My number one problem is that I'm always alone with myself, so I normally get severely depressed over the summer. I don't have a job, I don't have a car. I don't have friends that I want to hang out with (that want to hang out with me too). They're usually busy. It's my own fault for having a low number of people I can stand for that long. I want to go to an indoor pool, the lake is too dirty. I want to go get japanese coffee from the town over. I want to do a lot of things that I simply can't because I either don't deserve it or because I need transportation. If only America adopted Europe's public transportation and not their racism, overruling government! I hate myself far more than a normal person would be able to bear, I'm just too stubborn to kill myself, I always think things will change and they don't eventually I get tired of the cycle and spend the day in bed crying about it, sometimes I self harm because of it, I don't do that anymore because my friend would be angry with me, but I often think about what would happen if i did it anyways. The guilt would be too much to bear for me, and I'd tell them thus ending the friendship i can stand the most. I'm a guilty person because I constantly lied about things when I was little, i'm constantly guilty because I'm aware of the fact that I'm a terrible, horrible person just like my father was. Maybe being a piece of shit is hereditary. I'm tired of typing.
10:56 PM 3/09/2020 - Document Venting
If you knew how much happens in the world, you’d know I think about every atom i can imagine, then the stars and the moon. That doesn’t make sense. No, but I’m quite literally just typing out nonsense to appear like I’m doing something. Sweet, but maybe you should’ve done your math and government. Yeah… I always feel bad about how much I slack off, but then it just gets worse when I think about it. It’s like I’m spiralling down a sinkhole. There’s no end, just me thinking and thinking. That’s not a good way to deal with it. Yeah but I think I’m just too stubborn to change. I think I feel as if I deserve this for being such a terrible person in my life. I’m only 16 but I feel like I’ve done harm for more than 78% of my life. I try to be a good person but humans are born sociopathic, they always have that bit of rust stuck in their mindset for the rest of their life. It’s disgusting. They don’t think about anything, anyone, or sometimes even themselves. They think about the future, they think about what they’ll gain, and they think about how it’ll affect them directly. If we had a world where people didn’t think like this I feel like it’d be better. At the same time I feel like it’d be bad in the sense people wouldn’t be able to justify their existence by having to uprise against something. I want to uprise against my peers, I want to uprise against the government. The fact they hate everything I stand for has me living in spite. It’s so tiring though. I feel like I have the need to live because of spite, and because it’d get back at them somehow, but the truth is they wouldn’t care either way. They’d still feel the same, and they’d still act how they do. I’d die and they’d think about it for a bit then i’d be a distant memory. That’s no way to exist either. Why do I want to leave a lasting effect on humanity? How do I think I can achieve it? I’m just as much of an attention seeker as that girl at school, which sucks. The only difference is that I know doing idiotic things for attention isn’t the way to go. I want to change the way people think, I want to challenger their traditional ways of thinking. I have no motivation to though, I have nothing. You have something. No, the only thing I would be remembered for is that I draw anime and sleep all the time. And that I’m a lazy idiot whom most teachers would say to that I’m a bright student. I love to learn, but I dread the community I learn through. I know I need a community but why this one? To challenge me? They don’t usually do anything to me directly, so why do I dread them? Just the thought of them? The fact I can’t take classes that I want because I’m so lazy? I’m very tired of being a lazy student. I’m very tired of having to think about how I’m gonna pass. I’m tired of saying things without actually doing them. I’m tired. I want to sleep. Forever. I want to sleep not forever but just for a long time. I don’t want to deal with modern society, I want to go back to when I was a kid so I can be free maybe. I want time to thrive, I want to thrive in general. I am not thriving in this environment. It’s uncomfortable and hard to navigate mentally. How did I get the drive to do my things before? Didn’t I just not do them? Were they easier? I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.