9:27 PM 1/12/2021 - :(.
I think soon enough I'll get better, I know I will, I always do. It's a cycle at this point... The circle of hell goes like this: I am happy! Confident! Loving! -> I am painfully aware that all three of these are false -> I want to die -> I sleep enough to forget about it -> repeat. Right now I am in the "I want to die" phase. Everything feels numb, everything seems dull. I want to fast forward to my happy ending. I want to live a life filled with my boyfriend and our two cats. It's not going to happen, but you know how delusions are. My life is a broken record at this point though. The small town isn't doing much to help. I need a job. I need something to make me focus on succeeding. I need motivation. I need to stop searching out for all the negatives in life, but what few positives I have feel so unattainable. I need to keep my mouth shut and do as I'm told until the time is right. I need to self harm. I need to do a lot of things. (typing what first comes into my head at this point) In my defense this is the site that I use to stop annoying those I love with the useless and neverending stream of thoughts that always make their rounds in my head. Anyways, I really have been wanting to cut myself again, to turn myself into a bloody heap of nothing, but I know that would really make him upset, but I want to feel the pain of a blade chopping me up. I deserve nothing but pain, I deserve nothing. I deserve to sleep all day and slowly let people forget that I exist so I can die peacefully. I deserve to be hurt, always... I need medication and a hug and to be told i'm not a burden i need to be held i need to be coddled. I need comfort. I don't deserve it but I need it. I need osmeone to cry on I need someone to pet my head. I need to believe in myself. I need to recover. I can't recover. I am in no state to recover. I have told myself over and over that I've moved on but I haven't I need to pay for what I did to my family. I need to pay for every relationship that has ended because I simply didn't like it (my mother's exes) I need to leave I need to disconnect I need to distance myself from others I do not deserve comfort I do not deserve sanity I do not deserve any of it I deserve pain, suffering, and hatred, I deserve to be brutally murdered on the street, to have my life ripped from me, I deserve to be raped again, I deserve nothing but the worst in life and that shows by how selfish and delusional I am.
10:42 PM 1/10/2021 - Sick: part 2.
Today was much more of a mental sickness... I used to be in a community, a very fun one at that, and left because the owner of it is honestly a piece of shit. I still think that, he was a very disgusting man that I never want to have to interact with ever again in my life. I had a lot of friends in this community though, and I ruined it all by trying to let everyone know how awful the owner is, however, they ALL knew already, I thought I was doing something good, I thought I was saying what everyone else was too scared to say. I was, but it wasn't the right choice. I lost all my friends. I lost the bit of sanity and satisfaction I had in life, and for what? To be ok most of the time, bored mostly, I've been bored even before this whole thing happened, I'm just taking it out on other people.
10:55 PM 1/9/2021 - Sick.
I feel very sick, to be fair I haven't eaten much more than a meal a day for the last two days, I think I need to go easy on the fasting. Today I just feel really lightheaded. Nothing happens anymore, so I just feel sick and bored.
6:12 PM 1/5/2021 - Pleasure Cruise.
Today I realized lunch at school is very bad for me!! Just the little peanut butter jelly thing is 300 calories. I ate a bunch of salad with it though, so I should be good... I'm going to start bringing what I can of a lunch though, we have salad and small stuff around here, I should get my mother to get us some lunch meat so I start making sandwiches for lunch instead of eating more than 1k calories... IT was the only thing I ate today so I guess it'll be okay.
12:47 AM 1/3/2021 - Fly me to the moon.
This morning, I remember not being able to sleep til about 6 am. It was awful! Then my mother woke me up to go run errands. I tried not to get too much stuff, but we got my grandma's christmas money and the stimulus check, so we should be good to go for a while... I'm excited for these nice slouch socks I ordered ^^ I want to be all cutesy and stuff and I think these will really help. I need to figure out what brand a pair of boots I saw on pinterest are now. I like the fact that as I get older, I feel more and more like myself on the outside. It's a plus that being in this new environment has made me true to myself... I like not having to feel ashamed of what I enjoy, or even sometimes I'm not as ashamed of my body as I usually am. I still get terrible thoughts when it comes to female sexualization though... I want to be small, frail, innocent, and I can't do that with big mommy milkers and birthing hips. Anyways, after I got home, I ordered a bunch of stuff I've been looking at recently! One order went out to $30 dollars in total because of shipping and shit!! It was too crazy so I had to cancel it for my own sake... I'm going to see if my boyfriend will order it for me since he has prime, and I can always repay him by getting him something cute too! He likes cute, soft things just as much as I do. I'm honestly so happy I have him still... I haven't been feeling bad as much as I normally do... Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for him, but he's very good at making the thoughts dissapear! I hope I continue being good enough for him for as long as I can!
1:31 AM 1/2/2021 - Stability.
Today I thought of two things that I hope I can achieve this year; being skinny and being happy. However, today I ate around 1,000 calories, and this is probably what I normally eat, so I worry that I'm going to go hungry when I want to set a limit of 500 calories. It should be fine, I'm going to try and brew a gallon of green tea for myself so I stop drinking the black tea we buy premade. Outside of weight struggles, I've got an old issue coming back to haunt me. My stepdad won't give us our stimulus check, so we have to fight for it. I think if he wanted out of our lives so much, he would just hand it over. He goes "I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, piss off" but then at any given moment he wants to be a parasite. I don't think he'll ever realize that if he chases everyone away he's not going to have anyone, not even his son will want anything to do with him. It's fine, I'm not going to let him bother me unless I have to see his face again, but when that happens I think I will simply kill him. On the brighter side of things, I love my boyfriend very much, I think he's everything I've wanted, like I'd fantasize about someone like him when I was younger, then as I grew older I was like "I don't deserve someone that kind, someone that patient" I guess when you stop searching for someone you consider perfection, they'll just come right out of the shadows and say hello. The way we started talking was a bit odd, so I thought it wouldn't last, however he is very sweet... WAhwauhuheoerjgiejrg!! At around 3 AM I decided to keep writing. Talking to someone about having an eating disorder sounds so nice... I've always tried to keep it a secret and have always just kind of pushed the thought to the back of my head, however the fact I've wanted a scale for a few months is not easy to overlook in the "how did I get here?" thoughts. I want to befriend this one person I saw while I was lurking, but jesus fucking christ im an actual ape when it comes to talking to people. I used to be so confident so brave and now I sit here and I want to cry because I think everyone that talks to me wants nothing more than to hate me. This was apparent when I went out to dinner with my mom's boyfriend and his daughter's friends. (I wanted to befriend this one girl bc she was pretty, but my friend told me she's a racist bitch when I got home, so I'm glad I am clearly a neurodivergent fruitcake in how I dress and my mannerisms).
6:41 PM 12/30/2020 - Forevermore.
I've cleaned out my journal due to the fact I want to let go of the past. We moved out of the house that I've loathed for years on end, we've started over, we want nothing to do with him. If I could tell my past self anything, it's to sit quiet, the pain would end soon enough. That would have been the case if I didn't constantly overthink about things, if my suicidal tendencies didn't come back at a whim, over nothing. I have softened emotionally, I am vunerable whether I like it or not. I am in the process of relaxing. I am in the midst of coming to terms with having an eating disorder, and acting on it, I always denied it, but recently I have hated the way I looked, I have hated everything about me. I don't think having an ED will affect me as negatively as it does others, but I know it's there. I yearn for my ambition to come back soon. I am free. I have a lover, one that seems to be fine, I do not think he has intentions of hurting me, I am at peace with the world, and it is at peace with me. I'm just wondering when the world decides I need to suffer again, we are poor now, so I think that day could be any day.